He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
soo... how was my night?
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