So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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