Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
