Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
