I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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