He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Houston, we have a squirter
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
