Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
