Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
