Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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