my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
