Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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