Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
