I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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