He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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