In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
