Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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