Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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