On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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