Old men and throwing up are my life now.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
