You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
there is puke in my bra ... again
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
