someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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