I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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