By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
