Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
