I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
