I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
