I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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