you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
