im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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