i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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