My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
