This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
