mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Every concussion has its silver lining
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
