Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
