am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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