Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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