I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
