i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Randomize
