He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
