Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
