i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
