I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
