he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
