you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
