tell your sister to shave her snatch
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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