I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
