Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
