Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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