I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
