when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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