your parents love me but you hate me
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
