mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
